


my sense of wonder's just a little tired

by pinkgrapefruit



Series: coughing up petals [4]
Category: RuPaul's Drag Race RPF
Genre: M/M, angsty angst, im sorry, this is just something i enjoy writing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-30
Updated: 2019-05-30
Packaged: 2020-03-30 00:58:35
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,160
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19031491
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pinkgrapefruit/pseuds/pinkgrapefruit
Summary: I am grateful your tears are indistinguishable from the rain - I’m not sure if I could cope with seeing them.





	my sense of wonder's just a little tired

**Author's Note:**

> it's finale day and because i am 'some kind of sadist' i wrote some reunion based angst for you all. you can thank my love linda for the song and it has not been beta'd so i hope you all enjoy <3

_ When everything was broken _

_ The devil hit his second stride _

_ But you remember what I told you _

_ Someday, I'll need your spine to hide behind _

 

I watch as a tear rolls down your cheek - indistinguishable from the rainstorm we are stood in. Wet shirt clinging to your back like your last regrets, heavy and cold to the touch. Your body shakes like a leaf in the breeze and you shift your weight from one foot to the other, anxiously waiting for something. Anything. The tear is like a petal in the springtime, one of a million yellow rose’s spiralling towards the ground - emotion, undying love, heartbreak. I can see you playing catchup with your own thoughts as they race ahead of you - Olympians in the race of life and  _ god,  _ you’ve never done well in competitions.

My heart beats outside of my chest, cooling in the rain and I cannot watch you break like this. You have always sprouted like dandelions, growing where you are least expected but this feels like someone has cut off your roots and you are left stranded.  _ Alone _ . I’m sure I could reach out and catch a seed from the air, the fluff tickling at my rough skin like a feather. You are a candle in the wind, one puff in your direction and you are out - I feel I must save you but I do not know how.

 

_ For fear of moments stolen _

_ I don't wanna say goodnight _

_ But I'll still see you in the morning _

_ Still know your heart and still know both your eyes _

 

I move out of the slight shelter of the doorway, out into the backlot. Trace my fingers along the geraniums of your neck, let the warmth of my fingers heat up the ice of your skin. You relax underneath my touch and I have to remind myself that you are not used to the love of another person - you do not usually get to feel this joy. The warm caramel is soft like summer and I wonder, just for a second, if we could get out of here. But this is a production - we cannot escape.

I light a cigarette instead, you are not yet done in your sorrow and I must let you grieve the only way I know how to. It may be raining but the smoke I exhale blooms aconites - lets them grow under the heavy water droplets only to be blown away by a breeze. They taste of misanthropy and stale ash. It’s a taste not easily forgotten, then again neither are  _ you _ .

I wonder for a second, whether we could have been more - whether we could have withstood the storm clouds and lived to see a brighter day. But it doesn’t work like that and I could not will away the hurricane to protect you from its winds. I could not dissipate the tornado in time for it to spare the fragile house we built together. Every brick, a promise that we could not keep.

I am grateful your tears are indistinguishable from the rain - I’m not sure if I could cope with seeing them.

 

_ I could have told you ‘bout the long nights _

_ How no one loves the birds that don't rise _

_ So you can tell the heroes go hide _

_ My sense of wonder's just a little tired _

 

I wonder how it would feel to have my heart stomped on by those heels. I don’t really wonder though, I know how it feels. I know what it is like to have those laces tied around your lungs squeezing out the last breath of air as you try to explain the inexplicable. How it felt to feel the black stiletto puncture my throat.

You throw words like knives when you feel you must. I have always admired that.

My words are more like arrows. They go where I intend with grace and dignity. There are no doubts, just quick, solid movements. 

Our relationship was cut apart by knives not arrows. There was no grace, no solidity as the four walls were torn apart, just the feeling of cool metal on hot skin, a green willow in a field of heliotrope.

I stub out the cigarette on the wall I am leaning on, hope that the rest of the queens will have left by the time I return to the dressing room so that I will not have to explain why my dress is wet and stained with the remnants of my heart. 

 

_ But if only you could see yourself in my eyes _

_ You'd see you shine, you shine _

_ I know you'd never leave me behind _

_ But I am lost this time _

You turn around like you are not expecting me to still be there. I wonder if the emptiness in your eyes is my fault but know that it will be anyway so I keep my mouth shut and my eyes front and hope that if I keep my chin high you won't see the cracks. You won’t notice the tears that are pooling in my eyes.

Every part of me is yearning for the warmth that I know neither of us possess even when the rain burns like fire, scattering the truths of the past year onto the concrete with reckless abandon. I can only hope it will bloom in irises where the tears had washed away the honeysuckle we tended together. 

How can flowers watered with love still turn so sour?

We are stood on a small square of cement and yet it feels like there is an ocean between us, distance stretching aeons into the backs of your eyes. They pool water like the oversaturated ground, murky and dark and full of a lost cause you won’t let go of. I am begging you to let go.

 

_ Are we destined to burn or will we last the night? _

_ I will hold you 'til I hold you right _

 

You tell me you want to hold on, that the door is big enough for the both of us, the lifeboat can hold our weight. I want to believe you so badly but my heart aches and my lungs are on fire and we carry the scars from this on our bodies for the world to see. You cannot stop up the holes in a sinking ship, must yield to the power of the sea as it draws you away.

I close my eyes when we hug, try to make it feel like it used to when we were dry and safe and no one could hurt us but us - and then we hurt us. I open my eyes.

When I go back inside, you do not complain. You don’t argue. There is no fight. Only silence as the raindrops splatter onto the solid ground.

 

_ But if only you could see yourself in my eyes _

_ You'd see you shine, you shine _

 

I do not turn around because I am a coward.

 

_ you shine _

**Author's Note:**

> please tell me your emotions
> 
> also harass me on tumblr @pink-grapefruit-cafe


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